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I don't know what to do about the whole Adam thing. I still like him a lot however, it seems like he loves giving girls mixed signals. My friend Ed says that all guys are like that though. One minute I feel like he has no interest in me at all and the next minute he is like Kindra want to meet up and study together or he takes my side in a debate in class. It is so confusing I want to write the whole situation off but he always does something to bring back just a little bit of hope. Like yesterday I got an email from him asking me if I wanted to study before BIO class. I was like sure because I don't mind studying with somebody. So study we shall tomorrow before class. Its like okay I was just about to say he really wasn't worth my time dreaming and swooning over and then its like he knows I'm not thinking about him again and boom he asks me to study with him. I think my lab partners are getting sorta aggravated about the whole like not like thing I know they want me to just go for it but I have just gone for it and I got shot down for all my courage it was rather discouraging. I guess time will tell. Ciao. 

Last night I hung out with Justin again.. I guess all the details aren't necessary. However, I will say this it was really really good this time. Before and afterwards we were talking and he said something that it like hanging out in the back of my head. Not only because he said it but David you know the guy I did in Sherwin Williams said the same thing to me this week too. He said I was like the man in the relationship. That I brought nothing to the table but the want to get into his pants. I was shocked. I had no idea I had been making a guy feel like a piece of meat. I mean.. I thought thats what they wanted. Justin asked me if I was his type.. if I thought about him at all romantically. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but the answer is NO never okay well maybe when I first met him. Now he is cheating on his girlfriend with me.. not the best sort of guy to get involved with. I asked David why he got married he said I thought nobody wanted me. I was like hello I liked you a lot before you went off and got married.. he was like you only wanted to fuck me or at least that what I thought. Great. I have turned into a man. Only wanting one thing from guys that don't measure up to my standards. Ciao.

Last night I went out with Justin again. It was really fun. We went to sonic because when he picked me up at 9:00 at night he was like I could go for some dessert. So dessert it was. With a little after dessert delight most of you are thinking... WELL you know me I can't let a great situation go to waste so yes I totally got into his pants. It was really good last night I mean better then last weekend. I think my favorite part was afterward we just cuddled together he is a really cuddly guy. I was like lay on me so he did.. great times.. I was on top for most of it.. and there was this one spot I was like this feels so great. I want to have more room to play with him though. I am getting tired of always hooking up in his car. It wouldn't be so bad but he has a huge aversion to fucking in his back seat. So we always end up doing it in the front seat. Which doesn't have much room however, one of these days we are going to get a hotel room and then its going to be all over the place.. on the bed in the shower.. I can't wait. Ciao.

I've been really stressed lately. I mean duh right who wouldn't be stressed with what is going on in my house. However, there are glimmers of hope in my life. My mom and dad aren't going to break up or get divorced. My dad is sleeping on the sofa in the living room and is going to see a therapist. He realizes that he has a problem. I knew it was something like borderline nymphomaniac sort of stuff and my mom I guess knows that to. I am so proud of my mom. She says she doesn't need my dad which I totally believe is the case but she wants him despite everything she loves him. I guess this really isn't as serious and I've made it seem my dad never got physical with any of the girls he was talking to but if left in the pattern of addiction for much longer I think he would have eventually cheated physically. Another glimmer of hope was my 100 on my first Chemistry exam. I am so excited about it I could almost jump for joy. The other day in Environmental Bio Colleen thought I was upset about Adam. I told her I would never let a guy upset me I'm not stupid. Now about Adam I feel like I am getting mixed signals from him. One moment he is funny and nice. The next he is very distant. Yesterday he was about to ask me something then changed his mind. I was like what were you going to say and he was like I was wondering if you wanted to study together. I don't know what is going on in his mind but I have decided to just be friends with him for now. I can handle drama with guys at the moment. I had a Calculus test yesterday and I am dying to know what I got. Fingers crossed. Ciao.

Yesterday, I went out with Chris before chemistry. We went to his parents house. He wanted to show off his new dog Mallory. I wanted to get into his jeans. I can't help it whenever I feel stressed to stop me from doing other things I hook up with friends. I feel like if you protect yourself and trust the people you are hooking up with then there is nothing wrong with doing it. So I went over to his parents house after saying hello to the puppy we crawled into his bed and started to cuddle. Cuddling always leads to kissing which leads to sucking and licking and then its just hop step jump into going all the way. I love hooking up with Chris. He is really hot and he is also really good In bed. Plus he makes me feel good about myself. Which is exceedingly rare. Plus he doesn't have any problem lasting until after I have at least had one orgasm. Yesterday I had two. It was really nice. Plus I feel even though I'm really not all that happy I feel better about what is going on in my family. Ciao.  

The thing is I really don't know why he cheated on her. I really don't know what he wasn't getting from my mom. I hate that my mother loved him so much and he betrayed her. I hate the fact that my little brothers and sister will have to go through divorce. I hate the fact that he is a lier. I hate the fact that my mom found out it was one of her best friends. I hate that she felt like she had to change for him. I'm sick with disgust. I told my mom today (btw she got home safe) I didn't understand why he did it. I mean most of the time you know why they cheat because it's something they aren't getting. I don't understand because my mom did everything for him. Did everything he wanted I mean I can say they did it pretty often. If it wasn't because he wasn't getting any then why. WHY did he do it. If my mom was some tight ass bitch who never thought of her husband I could see why he would do it. My mom however, isn't like that at all. If anything she loved him way to much. I don't want to go to work or school today. I want to be with my mom. I want to make everything okay for her. I know I can't I know I don't have that power. All I can tell her is I love her. The worse part is I was trying to convince myself he was a good person that I was wrong about him. He wasn't a good person though. He isn't a good person. The only way I can fathom it is that maybe he is sick. Mentally Sick. I told my mom thats what I thought. I just wish I could forget the whole thing. I wish my mom didn't have to go through this. This morning when I woke up I forgot the whole thing happened then I got out of bed and it all came back. I want to scream at him hit him. I want to know why. "We'll get through this."

My dad got caught. He sent a text to my mom that wasn't suppose to go to my mom. She left. I don't know when she will be home or where she went. I am really worried about her. My brother mentioned suicide I don't think my mom would do that though. I am hoping she went over to see a friend. She wont answer my text. However, I have faith she will come back. I hope. 

Why is it.. Mondays suck? Why is it I feel like I need a good slap in the face to wake me up on Monday. I Have a huge list of things I need to do this week. I don't feel like starting on any of it. I feel like crawling under my covers and having a long long hibernation. I feel right now like I just gave somebody a blood transfusion. Right from my body to theirs. Its after the weekend I shouldn't feel like this at all so why do I? I don't know.

I can't wait till the end of the month. I get paid which is always really great. Plus I don't have to save any of it so I can spend it all on whatever I like. I'm thinking of getting some new clothes. Been looking at a few shirts I might like to get.. from Threadless and Fullbleed.

I am also thinking about maybe getting some new shoes and a new track jack and a couple of thermal under shirts. Maybe I should do something bolder though like get a tattoo or a piercing. I am to chicken to really do either.. but it's a fun idea. I really however do need a new jacket. I want a cool dev art track jacked out an American apparel jacket. Will see I'm on the scout out now. Ciao.

I HATE VALENTINES DAY. I hate other people who get great valentine gifts I hate people who go on great valentines dates. I hate my whole chemistry class for being completely married off besides me. It isn't that I really want to be in a committed relationship. I am just so tired of having to stand all by myself. To have to be the other girl. I'm so tired of not being somebody special to just one person in the world. My life is one endless ream of of not being good enough for anybody. I am over guys right now. I don't think I am ever going to find anybody I have lost hope and I am so done putting myself out there. Single Forever. Ciao. 

Yesterday I finished my application for WCU. I am really nervous that I wont get in. Not that my grades are bad now because they aren't however, I didn't do so well in high school and I'm scared they will look at that and wont let me in. I have to fill out this paper work, sign it, and send it in to western ASAP. I was going to put it in the regular mail but my mom said she was going to the post office so she would do it that was yesterday. This morning I asked if she went to the post office and she said no. I was like why did you offer to take my letter to the post office and not take care of it. I wanted to say I could have put a stamp on it myself and it would have already been on its way to WCU by now. My mom however, gets upset when I say certain things so I kept my mouth shut. Why does my mother offer to do something and then not do it? She acted this morning like I had no right to ask if it got done it like I imposed the task onto her. If you offer you shouldn't act like its is an imposition. This letter is important to me I really need it to get to WCU as soon as possible so I can apply for there need based scholarships and stuff. My mother often makes me want to pull my hair out whats new though? Ciao.